Good Bye 2008...and Good Bye- SADNESS

Today is the last day of the year of 2008...when i recalled back, there was something that really make me down and sad...if you are my close frens then u will know what i am mentioning... three more hours den we will greet the year of 2009...Now, everyone is celerating and me? give one of my close fren "fong fei gei"...

Today, two of my frens come down from Gua Musang...and i feel extremely excited for the past whole week..cause i din see this fren for 2 months...i am happy cause i really do miss my fren...Things are not what exactly i think..things are not on the right track...SO, the conclusion is I THINK TOO MUCH and I DO TOO MUCH...i not angry cause u fong fei gei...i just feel EXTREMEMLY DISSAPPOINTED... i am counting and counting and feel exicited to meet my frens...but, at the end...i realised... i am not important... Once ago, may be you are very important to your fren, but now may be your fren do not need you anymore in their life...QUite sad rite?

From this afternoon, they said they want to go and meet their friends and said will call me and confirm later where we are going...actually i agreed to go for a place with my another gang of friends...i "fong fei gei" them cause i want to acc them.U know what, i waited for the whole day...i keep on checking whether my fon rang? everytime when i checked, i feel disappointed. My fon do not even have a message...so, i told myself may be they are busy, they will called me for dinner...at the end, they do not and ask me do not wait cause they are in another place with some friends...when i heard that, i feel that i really done TOO much...i not blaming them cause i am the one who decided to acc them..

i do not have my dinner yet, but is ok ...i don think i don have any mood to have my dinner d... This fren , i really do appreciate...i know my friend do not come to Ipoh always, so i decided to give all my time to them, BUT, i am doing too much...I got alot of things to share and talk to my fren, but i do not have that chance... I told my parents that i am going back to KL cause i am going do find A house to move in...but i am not actually...But is not important anymore cause i think i should not follow my fren go back to "KL"... cause i really think that i should not think too much anymore... i gave my fren a chance but no one will really appreciate the chance, so i think i am giving up..

New year is coming, but why i do not feel that things are going to be NEW? I do not like GOOD-BYE...but now, i will say GOOD BYE to the year of 2008 and i will welcome the year of 2009....GOOD-BYE 2008 and the most important thing is..GOOD-BYE to all my SADNESS....i will welcome the new year with a NEW HEART...this is what i should do rite? i know i will think back what i did in 2008, but i will make sure i learned something in that year... I WILL BE STRONG....SOrry, cause i know i still the same...i like to CRY...very sorry fren, i cant change this...Very very sorry...

* may be i spoilt my frens mood today, they should be celebrating now, i would like to apologize..i will still wish them HAPPY NEW YEAR..very SORRY...*

我不想忘记你

我在向前走却像在退后
我在用想念狂欢寂寞
越快乐就越失落
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

一个人不懂什么是拥有
两个人不懂怎么把握
越在乎就越脆弱
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

A Song that Remind me of someone...

I heard a song today... it reminded me of someone that is special to me... When things come to certain point...it will be very tiring....u start to choose to forget...meanwhile, u are struggling cause there is a voice that asking me not to forget and give up.... i told u i will be waiting patiently, as u said, u start to ask yourself how long can u stand...When nobody is beside you when u alone... no one talk to u in the night...u start to feel that all things is going wrong...

I know i miss you but i realised may be u do not need me anymore in your life...When i think of that...i totally lost...i do not know what should i do if things really come that way...You are so important to me...and i am very sure what am i thinking for now...If things really come that way, then what am i going to do? i do not dare to think cause i know is scary and hurting....

When u din reply me, i will start to think much...and think alot of nonsense...u say u will sort out your mind when things are being settled...and i really feel unsecure and i scared when i trust u more...you will take things for granted....You are right...i am crying and i do not have any flu... U said u don like tears and how can i tell u i am crying cause i miss u?

I dont like people saying "take care"to me..because it seems like saying bye bye and really "take care" of yourself... it is like ending a relationship and we will not see each other anymore... so, i really hate this "take care".... i am trying hard to hide myself...but u seems to know everything..and this will make me miss u even more....i pray and i pray...why things do not come in the way i want? i am scared at this moment....who can i tell and who can share with me...? cause really not many friends that know what am i thinking and what situation am i in....i feel unsecure and totally lost...sobzz...T.T..

I am super TIRED...

You know what is the time now? It is 5 am in the morning...i feel tired...at this time, i should be lying in my blanket and dreaming...but i stil awake here and blogging...This become one of my habit d...Before offline and off my laptop, i wish to post somethind new in my blog...

Actually i am doing one of my assignment, so i stayed until so "early" in the morning...i really feel the tiredness...i faced the laptop for 6 hours d...is very tiring... i have the last 2 parts to finish my public law assigment...but i really do not wish to continue...cause i very lazy and dizzy...So, i will continue it tomorrow...and start another assignment tomorrow...

When i am doing the assignment...i cant concentrate actually..i do not what am i thinking...i cant control myself....if i feel tired, i will take a short rest by reading my friends blog...and u guess what? i saw a friend of mine is replying another friend of mine de question in her blog...erm..may be she is right...should i turn back? May be as what she said..let go is a better choice...do not turn back and jus walk straight...can i do this? can my friend who was asking and need an answer, can do this also? i feel scared if my friend take the advise cause i feel that... " HEARTBREAKING" is waiting me again...

What I can tell u is...i should turn back for my own ..may be for this moment or may be for a longer period...i think i wont give up so easily...maybe for my friend...she need someone to guide her..and give her opinions...no matter what is your decision...i will support u...although it will be hurting ...but i cant be so selfish... cause this is what u want..But honestly, when i read that blog...ermmm...i really do feel hurt and scared...cause may be the another friend of mine will just follow what the friend had said...i know is confusing..about who and who...but i know the one reading it..will know...rite?

*YAwn* is time to sleep.. TIRED...sleep then dont think so much...what i can do is...WAIT PATIENTLY....and i know..by one day, when my friend sort out her mind..she will tell me the answer...i believe she will make her mind clear and think of it all over again after she settled her things...

Rite? the beloved friend of mine... you know who you are... nite nite my friend..Do miss u and hope to see u soon... tata ^^

Is things going Rite soon? baby Fish Rene hope so*

I just talk to someone...i feel extremely better after finish talking....Phew...feel tired...when u want to explain about those misundestandings...it really need alot of time and patience....i do not know what should i do...but i will prefer to WAIT...while waiting...may be i will feel horrible and lonely...but i choose to WAIT..cause i wont give up so easily..may be there will be a time that u told me something unnecessary ....when that time come and i will TOTALLY quit.. But for now..i don wish to quit cause i know what am i thinking now...don feel that i am a burden to u..cause i am not!!! i am big enough to decide my things and think properly..

Today i live like a dead people..normally i talk loudly and laugh loudly...but this few days...i keep quiet and my uncle feel extremely weird...y i become so quiet? u know why..no need explain... today i went out with my fren but i can feel that my heart is not with me...terrible..tsk tsk.. i walk like a dead ppl...i eat like a dead ppl...i drive like a dead ppl..normally i drive very ganas de..cause kl-drivers ma...and u know what?!! i drive like turtle today...and i went wrong directions...i want to go to Giant and buy ESKINOL...but i tell u a secret...shhh...i do not know where i went..when i realise, it is too late..what i can do is i just turned back and i went back home....stupid rite? so, i am going there tomorrow again..!!

Is time to sleep , cause my eyes is bengkak...and tired...should rest more...haiz....nite everyone..

Breaking-Down

U said u do not want to lose me as a fren and do not want to hurt me....but...what i can tell u is...U are hurting me more by getting close to me and giving hope to me....Just go away and i will quit....i do not hate u at all....U just go away..i will be more independent from this second...i know is hard to lose someone in my life but i will try hard...do not feel guilty and don worry about me anymore...i am ok...

What u should do is go toward to your ex...and tell her what u think..just tell her u need her and i think she will be understand...good luck to you....for now....i need to heal my wound and keep myself away in a dark and lonely world...There is alot of things i should think on my own and decide on my own...One day, when i walk out from this scary and lonely world...i will be brand new again....I hope this day will come fast and i want myself to be totally brand new..I will pull myself to the right track again...and i swear..!!! i will not go into that track again....

Now, this moment...tears keep rolling down and i really cant control myself at all..but is ok...let it be...Sadness, heartbreaking .... please leave me as far as u can...do not stick on me...i do not need u though... I will get better and better...and one day may be when U pass by me... i will forget U and have my happy life again...

Although i cannot see sunshine now...but i know i will see it soon.. Rainy days will leave me and i will see a rainbow again... Now, u have your own life and i have my own life also...just face the days with a sincere heart and do not hurt anyone again...cause i know...is REALLY HURT..

I am going back to IPOH..my beloved hometown..

Now is 2.29 pm...and i am going back later in 3.45pm by taxi..you know what..i just woke up and straight away go to online already...and the first thing i see is my fren's blog...funny rite? last time, when i was connected to the line , den i will go view my frenster profile.haha..anyway is ok..i got a bunch of frens started to blog...i feel duh...har? i blog since 2 years ago and now izit you all punya new trend? such an outdated rite? DONT FEEL OFFENSIVE here..i have the right on what i say and don sue me cause i will sue you back!!!

For me blogger is a good place to communicate..what u think and when u have no courage to tell what u think, den BLOGGER is the best place to throw all your thinkings...not bad rite? so when i feel sad, i will blog...if no sad, no blog will be updated..!!!haha....

This few days i feel more...should i say it was "happier" or what...cause my heart got a lot of feelings....or may be i feel "relief"? "sad" ? Dont know la...let it be ba..cause i am going back to ipoh!!!! there, my parents will treat me the best....so what should i worry? haha...i will here again in next year january cause my house's maxis connection is extremely bad so cannot online...

Will miss you all...will miss blogger.. will miss facebook and alot...see you all soon...and u guess what..i am HUNGRY now....have to go to bath and get prepare...see ya, buddies..!!

Baby Fish Rene, You can be BETTER..

A new day for me...totally brand new....ermmm...i got a wound...deeply in my heart..just feel hurt and i know i will be better and get well soon...what i need is TIME...i know i can...
Suddenly this come into my mind....When i heard this...totally heart breaking...This song i heard from my fren i pod for the first time, that time when i hear, i feel nothing and the melody is very nice..when u go through the lyrics is really heart breaking...At first, i thought i can stand for it, but i am wrong..I CANT...i know i am giving up all the things now..but i promise i will be back myself soon...

吃不能吃 睡不能睡
没有了你 全都不对

都学不会 把爱敷衍

用笑容来把眼泪催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭

人不像人 鬼不像鬼

朋友都说这 不过失恋

但我却连呼吸都胆怯

能不能不爱了 因为爱太痛了

我痛得快死了 却无法把你忘了

能不能不爱了 爱情它太痛了

我痛得快死了 却无法把爱割舍

After this song i heard another song...and it is about....

After this song, i heard another song..and it is about...

你有权利情绪化

你不一定要坚强

但有些事情 不能伪装

别为自己设了框

我懂失去的悲伤 也懂进退的挣扎

但想起过去 都是失望

又何必要放不下

是习惯 还是爱

不放心 还是不甘心

只有你自己知道解答

其实你没有那么爱他

真的不需要那么想他

编织过的梦想 自己也可以抵达

谁说一定要有他

其实你没有那么爱他

没有深陷到不可自拔

认清了真心话你就放得下

我懂失去的悲伤 也懂进退的挣扎

但想起过去 都是失望

又何必要放不下

是习惯 还是爱

不放心 还是不甘心

只有你自己知道解答

其实你没有那么爱他

真的不需要那么想他

编织过的梦想 自己也可以抵达

谁说一定要有他

其实你没有那么爱他

没有深陷到不可自拔

认清了真心话你就放得下

深呼吸 抬头望

发现天空很宽广

这世界那麽大

幸福总会在某个地方

其实你没有那么爱他

真的不需要那么想他

拥有过的计划留给值得的对象

你知道不会是他

其实你没有那么爱他

没有深陷到不可自拔

认清了真心话你就放得下

But at the end...i think the first song suit me more... everytime when i hear this two songs...i'm like forcing myselfy to choose between this two songs..i will still go for the first song..for this moment i do not want to forget those memories..although is hurting...if i force myself to forget it means that i will remember them more..just let the TIME bring all my sadness away...i know i will get well soon...and i know i MUST not I WILL...

P.S- Do not ask me why, friends... i do not wish to answer those questions....after read my blog...just keep it in heart and support me silently...

Stop saying SORRY..

Stop saying sorry to me....because it is really not important anymore...i just finished my exam to day..so i should be happy rite? But something came in suddenly and i do not know what should i do...i still have three more assignments to go but i think i cant do it well now...

SORRY is only a word to me..and it doesn't bring any meaning to me...since you want things go this way...then i will respect you...stop saying those words to hurt me cause i cant stand it...i beg you...just go away..now i am the one who need to be alone..Do not blame yourself and i really cant forgive u now...and i think i am the one who should say SORRY....

Who is in Your HEART?

Just wondering...who is actually in your heart...today i accidentally saw a blog in my fren's frenster...i read two blog...i feel that i am bad...may be worse...i just want to ask what is the meaning in the two blog...my heart was trembling...questions keep on bursting out in my mind... and i come to an conclusion...RS...is not me~...when i type until here, i just stared at the laptop... the song that i am hearing is too loud but i do not even feel that cause my mind is full of unnecessary questions...i saw the shoutout in your frenster..and now... i even wondering, who you mentioning...i know i should not suspect you...but i just...asking myself...and try to find an answer to those questions...

I felt "heart pain"..... the song keep repeating and i feel like crying...i control myself... is not time to cry but should sort things out...and my tears do not dare to flow out without my order...if your heart still have another person, and u cant even put down her...why now u will come to me...i just wondering and do not know y...isn't it hard when your heart still have the person shadow? meanwhile u are coming to me? i hope what i read is not true so i decided go to read my fren's blog for the second time...and ..what i read is true...i see it with my own eyes...

-HONESTY- and baby fish rene is getting TOUGHER..*this is what she thinks*

I am not that honest that u might think.... T.T I am extremely down.....cause i knew i done something very very very bad...EXTREMELY BAD...Lord i asked for your forgiveness..cause i am sin-ing....In our life, there are things that can make u extremely down, but i do not wish to tell you what is that.... What i feel is.... this few months, i am trying to live for a better life...but...i try to change myself to a tougher person and i promise i wont rely on anybody again.. *this is what she thinks again without doing it*..SOBZZZZ....

Yesterday, 5th of December, i will remember this day....cause i done something very very bad until i nearly do not wish to forgive myself.. I know what is it....and i do not wish to tell anyone...A person came to me and she told me that i should not do that...and i know i should not have did it, BUT i still did it...i am struggling and i feel extremely bad...Lord, u know what is that, i hope i will get your forgiveness....I need someone to support but i don think i have the right to get anyone punya support....cause i am bad...!!! SO, the feeling of struggling came to me again...SORRY, i not that useful and honest as you think..what can i say is, SORRY !!!!Sorry DADDY, MUMMY.....I not that innocent girl as you all think, i am very bad...extremely bad....BABY FISH RENE should change her name to EVIL RENE....i do not deserve the "BABY FISH "...i am "EVIL"...i am "DEVIL"...please don tell me what should i do...cause i know i am wrong...very wrong...

As u Said... You DON Like Tears..

What u means by "cry"? Sad and "sum tong" only will cry ma...if not? why will cry without reason... I don like tears also...Everyone that know me know i am a "happy go lucky" de people. So i wont drop my tears if i not sad untill that standards.. but don know why hoh... this few months , i cant control my tears de..little bit little bit then i cry..Sometimes, even i angry myself i will cry also.. i do not know y..when i angry..just don talk to me or ignore me when i am crying..cause i not angry anyone...i just angry myself... BUT P.S.. after a while u must talk to me and don ignore me...the best is TUM back me..HAHA...

This few months, i realised that i do not feel "safe" all the time..as what chinese educated people said "an quan gan"..and i like to rely on someone that can give the feel of "safe" to me... so when the person ignore me, i will angry myself because i think that i do not worth until that stage u will pedulikan saya...so i angry myself...until my tears drop.. Then i will start thinking nonsense, is that i not good enough? i tried my best to control myself but i cant...tears still will roll down...so now, although small matters, i will cry also...so please for give me k? i really do not wish to cry infront of anyone...

Last time, although i am facing difficulties, i still will face it cheerfully and think positively... but now, i always think negatively...and feel that i am alone in this world... but i forgot that when i am lonely, GOD is still with me...so Praise the Lord.. i am not alone..!!! i will seek him more and ask him take all my sadness away and fill me with joy..^^

So, if i cry in front of u all...please ignore me a while....den u know what should u do next... if u can make me cry infront of you, means u are important for me and i will really apreciate you....


SO,I DO NOT LIKE TEARS!!!!!

Restless Nite...

I feel restless tonight...i do not know why..i felt this suddenly, i just feel restless...not only restless, my heart is pain...i felt this kind of pain again...erm...what i am doing now? sometimes human will think all the negative ways and forget that there are still other choices out there..why must i think negatively? i should think positively so that i will feel better....

Actually i admit that i very "small gas" ..u know what i mean...i do not like ppl talk loudly and shout at me...when you shout at me, i will get a shock first and i wont feel want to talk to that person in the next few hours...i really really do not like ppl TALK loudly to me..in the eyes of them, actually they are talking to me...but i will feel that they are shouting at me...you know who you are...i really do not like this....as what u say, u do not like i raise my voice, so do i?

" When i turned back, you are not the same anymore". This phrase suddenly came in my mind..so i posted it on my msn....i really do hope this will not happen again..cause i really do not like ppl raise their voice to me, i cared my frens, and i cared You also..so try to think back how i treat you, and then only u decide am i wrong or right..Everyone have their own likes and dislikes...i know yours..so please, you have to know mine too...i respect u and u should do that to me too...when u raise your voice to me, actually i am crying and struggling in the same time...just that u do not know..cause i promised, i wont cry in front of you again...this is what i feel....sorry, if this post did offend you...

E5 ...Where are you?

i just read kenny punya blog..i feel lonely again...i don know why...i am going out later with kok wei later because we want to celebrate alan and veenee birthday...kenwei, phillip, vincent, alan, gui yang ,vee nee and liching is going as well...actually, i am going back to ipoh tonite de...but i really hope to meet my old frens...so i decided to ask daniel to pick me up at the place we are celebrating ppl birthday...

Erm...i do not know why i feel down suddenlly, may be is kenwei ba..he is bringing his gf out later.. actually i am ok with it, is just that no one even tell me he is going until just now i heard alan mentioned it...i really thought i can cope and handle with my own feeling de..but when i heard what alan said, i feel down down down.... i already told myself to move foward, but sometimes, i will think back...think for a moment... now i also don know what is in my mind...i just feel ...i also don know what i feel.. yeah, i should go for the reunion..for what i scared and worry..cause we are still frens...hoho..^^

What is in my mind actually?

Sometimes is just very hard to get all the things out of my mind...Is not that i don want get all those things out from my mind..is just that i do not know what to do...sometimes when you get tired of something, you will try to let go and forget about what is happening at the first place...i know i am at the wrong track and i am trying to pull myself back to the right track...but the problem is, i cant even control myself and i lost my mind....what should i do now? I feel like i don have a right person to talk what am i thinking...is very hard when nobody at your side when you is suffering, when you need advice, when you need a hug or even when u need a person to wipe away your tears...

New sem is starting, and i don know what to do again, i have no goal in my life, i don know what to achieve also...So, i am having a boring life and what should i do to get this feeling off my heart?i do not have the passion to study anymore.. what should i do then? I am having a tough period now...Haiz...i think i need to think about this again...really hope to get all the things on the right track again...

A new Start

The contract law - Mistake is driving me crazy ler..really feel sien er..tomorrow our teacher, mr Adnan, is giving us a test on MIstake... i feel scared cause tomorrow it is a close book test...i started to worry.. but now i feel sien d cause really ngiak bah...den suddenlly i saw my bible on the shelve...den i feel like blogging d...

u know what, last sunday pastor david prayed for me.. he said i am going to work for the nations and something like that...i cant remember d... that nite, daniel ,my ipoh fren called me and we talked for a while. Later on, his fren from US, meow, asked me what is the difference between the old testament and new testament..den of course i told him what i know... suddenlly feel like sharing a verse...and i really did that...i added daniel in the conversation and i started to share v them... at first i feel uneasy and worry because i scared i will share something wrong to them...but don know why, when i started to share, all this weird feeling gone... i just keep on telling... i felt that there is something different... at least now i dare to share v a ppl that do not know god at all... That kind of feeling...i do not know how to describe it, i just feel good,happy and satisfy with what i did...this is the first step i took and i think i on fire d...a breakthrough..i told chris...i really happy and grateful to be a christian... is a really good to have god in my life...

Meow asked me do i really believe in GOD? can i change anything...u know what i answered him? i said yes, i believed in him, i can change things but i wanted to follow him...HE will guide me and provide me everything ...so i do not plan to change anything on my own... i really hope that the fren of mine can know You more... know You more not because of anyone, is just because of you, Lord... Now, Lord pls guide me...let me on fire and keep on burning....^^

Loneliness Came Across Me Tonight

i long long time din update my blog d..suddenly feel like updating it..and now i am doing do ler...really feel "ngiak" and "sien" ler... Dont know why, i feel lonely...not that lonely like what u all think...is like.... deep inside my heart... i want holy spirit to fill me up... i hungry for GOD's words... i need him - jesus in my life... this is what i want to say now... i am hearing a cd from Pastor Dennis during the World Harvest Church Camp... feel peace now... but still need more holy spirit... i experience God more in this camp... i feel very happy and touched.... Someone prayed for me and again i sensed holy spirit and i falled on the ground.... may be you all may feel terrible... but what i can said is when u really open your heart to HIM and u will feel something different... only HIM can transform people... sometimes i do not know where to start...i am a young believer... i do not know how to preach gospel to someone i do not know... i feel shy but what i must know is... i should not ashame about the gospel and i should tell all my frens and family members about HIM... we all are in a urgency situation.... i need to tell them what is going to happen but i still scared and feel shy to share...i scared i tell them the wrong gospel and deliver the wrong message...i admit that my spirit is not that strong yet and i will easily get defeated by te devil but i will pray for it...

I believe by one day, i will manage to share and pray for others.. i hope everyone know that HE loves us so much..before we know him, he already chosen us as HIS beloved daughther and son... whenever i think of this, i feel much more better... at least i know that there is a real GOD that die for all of our sins... he used his blood to clean and clear all of our sins... but we still born as a sinner... this message i knew since i was young... but now... after 10 years onli i really get its meaning... i found out that i found peace and happiness after i know HIM more... and u guess what...i wanted to develop myself and i wanted to know what is my ability in serving him... i wanted to know all this things through him...he is an awesome GOD and i LOVE him.... it is true... i know he is the LORD of LORDS.... he can heal people... all we need to do is just seek him and believe in him.... is very easy right... why not... u all try and seek for him and settle all the things using his way and not on our way... HE exists and he will guide us in everything we do... He will make a way for us... HE do all the things that we cannot see... so what we can do...is just put trust on HIM and strengthen this relationship with HIM... Now i am trying hard to do it... just put faith in it... after i typed all this...i really much more better and feel released... ^^

Do i See Grace?

Finally, i received this song "I See Grace" through wei min's sharing folder...rushing for assignment..but i do not care about it....i do not know why...i feel extremely down...alot of things bothering me and i do not know what should i do...do not know what decision should i make..the first thing i do is...i sit down and pray to the GOD...and i found peaceful d..and now i can sit down and do my things d... i am happy when i received this song..cause it is very meaningful... i love this song so much.... i heard it in world harvest church.... let me show u the lyrics...

Now i am hearing this song and tears dropping...i do not know why..i just feel touched... i do not know how to describe what i feel...everyone like ignoring you for whole day....but when i prayed , i found peace.... and i feel that God is beside me... he do not ignore me... thats y i feel touched when i hear this song...now i really feel better and i am blogging here...

Jesus My heir

I call on Your name

I cast my cares on You

Jesus my hope

my tower of strength

my faith is found in You

Chorus

I see You pierced

wounded for me

when I look to the cross I see

I see grace

sealed by your sacrifice

I see love

reaching for me

Precious blood

washes and sanctifies

Healing flows

setting me free

I see grace

Bearer of sin

Afflicted and tried

You paid redemption's price

Bearing my curse

You set me on high

Your death has brought me life

Repeat chorus

Moot Court

Today i was attending a moot court in legal skill class...Everyone look nice in their formal clothes..White top and black bottom... we look so formal and i like the way we were dressed... me, hanyen and crystel went to Pavillion to buy our formal clothes yesterday...of course we enjoyed the process of buying formal clothes..we look smart in our formal clothes....it will helps to build our confident when we are wearing our formal clothes during mooting...

Me and my partner, Carey Su won the case... We are representing the appellant Forence Scott and we are trying to help our client to appeal in the House of Lords. Ren Zheng and Ling Hui are representing the respondant, David Schumacher. At the end...the judge, our legal skill teacher allowed the appeal...This means that we won the case...i felt the hapiness because what we prepared was not wasted. we started our research on thursday and we have to pass up our Bundle of Authorities and Submission Outline to our teacher on friday... my partner is very very good...haha..he helped me to do the submission outline and i helped him to find the resources and highlighted it so that it is easier for him to do the submission outline.. this is what we call TEAMWORK..!!!

I very happy yo part with him because he is a very smart guy... he do not have any law base but he still can present all the points clearly and he rebarted very well during the moot court...I asked him to do the submission outline in a briefly form because it is just a practise but he went to study the legal skill attachment. He wrote it by referring to the legal skill attachment. Sooooooo hardworking...he just used one nite to finish it and he know what he is doing...Although i found the resources but there are times i went blur and i do not know what am i doing and i got blur with all the points.

Before our team started...we feel very nervous....and when u really debating and presenting , u do not feel anything..cant feel the people around you, cant hear all the noises... cause we are scared and we have to pay attention to the points that the opposing party is going to bring out to make our grounds fail.... i very easily to get panic, so when i was hearing the points that the opposing party was giving... i cant think anything to rebart them... luckily my partner is smart enough... he told me what points i should use to rebart them... and .... THANKS GOD...we won the case...

CArey , thanks ya..happy to part with you... next time part with me also ler.... so u can do the submission outline....wakakakakaka....evil-nya

p.s : Will upload more pictures bout mooting...especially my partner and me de pic...more pictures on frenster

... keryee in formal wear...


my moot court partner...carey su...

crystel, keryee,hanyen in formal wear

gai gai-ing in Pavillion

What is in my mind now?

I feel confused these few days... i have many things that need my decision and i have to settle on my own... i feel scared and worried... i do not know why i feel so and i really do not know what is in my mind... is very hard to write it down..and i not sure whether i can describe it here in my blog..but i will try my best to structure it and post it out...

I feel something in my life... new life of me..i don know how should i describe... i went to church since i am five years old... i joined children church, joined the teenage group, joined the praise and worship team in methodist church.... and u know what... i found out that i am a christian that do not know anything about god... i started to worry... am i a christian? i always ask myself this question... am i too late to realise that i am a christian that just by the name of "christian"? Will God angry about me and do not recognise me as her daughter? i always wonder and i will ask myself this question... Now, i am attending the world harvest church in wangsa maju...it takes me nearly an hour to reach there... i know is very boring when i take bus and lrt to go there alone...but u know what... i do not have this kind of feelings d...i wish sunday come faster and i can attend church...last time in ipoh, i lazy to praise and worship in the church, i will give myself alot of reasons to escape from church... but now, i do not have this kind of feelings d.. in ipoh last time, i attended methodist church and now i am attending a church that differerent from what i attended for last few years.. i sense something special and different in that church... izit the holy spirit? Sometimes i wonder, is god really present? i do not even believe god is around me...i do not even experience him until now...how can i believe him ?now i get an answer... ya, he is present all the time, he love us more than everyone.... he let grace flow on us and take away sins from us... He reform us and he will always welcome us with his open heart.... he will come into our heart without us inviting him... amazing rite?

i facing some problems... church camp, moving house, and alot of things....my parents is not a christian and they start worrying why i insists of going to the church camp and moving house to wangsa maju.. u know what they told me when they called me through the fon? they ask: " why u sink deep inside to this religion? Sunday you go to church and worship still not enough and now u told me that u want to move there? What makes u become so stubborn? Now, for u is, u have to study hard and please don let other things to distract you... why u make us to worry you..since when u become like that?" i tried to explain and tell them what i think, they do not understand and start mumbling...i very scared and do not know what should i do..tears start rolling down when i hear them say like that..this make me feel very bad because i feel that i am a bad gal and very rebellious ... actually i am not... i really hope that they will understand and support me...In wangsa maju, i can live in a disciple house and i am sure that they will be alot of people that will take care of me... they will go to hospital and visit those children, pray and fast for them.

There is a case...a little gal went into the ICU and one of the cell leader told the litte gal's mother that her daughter will be discharge in one week time... Do you know when they tell this, he have to carry the burden...let say, if.... the little gal cant get well in one week time...how the mother will feel...they are giving hope but in the end the daughter is still lying in the ICU? Do you know the feeling, the feeling of dissapointment? But God heal the little gal and discharge her in one week time...amazing rite? I read this in wei min's blog and i feel touched.... i cried when i read his post... He is such an amazing GOD.... I feel like joining them everytime wei min tell me those stories that they went through....you can feel the happiness when you really help people through God's power...Don't you feel happy and satisfied? This kind of life, wangsa maju life.... i am longing for so long...but when i have the courage to tell my parents, they asked why i want to move there? i cant explain and tell them in one shot...and i feel terrible cause i really don know how to tell them what God has done... One more thing, church camp...i feel like joining because i am sure that i can learn something new from it... i want to experience God through this camp...now i registered without their consent...by faith, pls pray for me and i really hope that i can join the camp...

i feel very tired and want to escape from here... i know this is not the right way... no matter how hard i tell God what i feel...i still doesn't feel anything... God, i really need your guidance... let me experience you...I not that tough as what u all have been seeing all this while...i know i 38 sometimes but i will still feel down and moody in my life ... i do not know how long can i stand still?... I felt that i make a wrong choice when i start studying in HELP university... i should have register and study at KDU college... at least, at there, i still have chris that will guide me... still have james to take care me...in HELP , i do not live a happy life...alot of my frens were having conflicts and sometimes i do not wish to involve in it...i want to stay out of the scenario and keep quite... i know i do not like to express myself often..not that i don wish to share, is i do not know what to share and how to start my sharing...and i know i will collapse when i share my things to other people... i do not trust people easily and because of this i hardly find someone that i trust and express myself... i have a fragile heart and i do not know how to face reality... i know i should not act childish, run away from reality... i have to settle all those problems on my own... and of course i will not using my way to settle my things d...as what wei min and jia rong said...pray and seek to GOD when u facing problems...now i am learning to find and share v him ...i want to share everything with him...

Yeng call me just now and i cried...cause i miss her.. i can tel her anything without any hesitation....among my frens, i still cant find anyone like her...sometimes things have to be share face to face... i need someone to hold me and prevent me falling...i really do not know when i will collapse...Now i know what i am thinking..is just that alot of circumstances and situations that make me feel confused...i feel very confused...extremly confused....What should i do? i will seek to my God and let him guide me....

I hope that you all will understand what is in my mind now....this is what i can express in here...

What is my feeling?

Suddenly feel like blogging...now already 3 am in the morning, but don feel like sleeping yet because tomorrow no class.... i feel down and moody for this moment.... actually i feel like sleeping dy de..but suddenlly down...so..now sitting down and blogging.... i do not not what i want to write, do not have anything to share, just feel like updating my blog onli....

In HELP, i have been here for four months d....but i still cant really get used to it, just feel that i need someone to tum me and i want to lau gai onli...but i cant find a person that can let me doing this.... sometimes, i feel the loneliness, feel like talking to someone, feel like sharing something...but.... i do not find a fren like this in here... i have a lot of frens here but sometimes... i prefer keep inside my heart more than sharing it out cause i cant find anyone that i feel like sharing my things to..... i like to day dreaming and imagine things that will not really come true... but i still enjoy by doing so.... do u know exactly how i feel? i think u all cant rite? cause u are not me....

Loking outside the window, hearing some sentimental songs, my room is fill v those candle aroma and my yellow light is on.. can u imagine and feel what i feel? my roomate do not stay in the room often...so i can really lie on my bed quietly and think... whenever i do so, a lot of things come into my mind, and i cant even sort them out and cant organize them properly... what am i thinking? what am i hoping for? what am i looking at?what am i searching for? where is my heart going? i really don know.... i cant even find my heart....sad rite? i don know where it goes.... izit there? a place that i really hope to stay there...not because of anyone...is just because of u...pls hah..don think that u is u hah....don too syiok sediri ler...if u want to know... pls come and ask me privately and i will tell u who is that "u"de.... too complicated... is hard to make a decision...alot of things have to take into account... when i see how u all live, i really feel happy for u all, and guess what? i hope that i can join u all....i am writing this v a super, extremely sincere heart.... but.... too many things to be consider before i making this decision....haiz....don know what should i do and say... sometimes really feel like escaping from here..PUSAT BANDAR DAMANSARA....a busy place and i don really like it....

anyway, just emo la...will be ok soon...^^ good nite, tired d....

A new FREN of mine

hey...everybody...what is your feeling today? moody?high? extremly high? extremely moody? no feeling? sleepy? haha..guess mine? i extremely high.... u all sure ask "why"? these few days u not very moody de meh? why suddenly so high....u all wanna know why? because today is sunday... i really learn something new and special today..pastor sharon..haha..i will remember what u said this morning...i am a blessing...am i really a blessing to you all? hope so...haha..what is the difference between sheep and goat? wanna know? ask me ler..tell you privately k?haha

This morning, i feel scared and nervous when i go to church...but what make me feel surprise is i can get through everything which is happening on me in this few days..god bless me k? haha...u see i extremely high now..haha...don know how to describe my feelings la....

i met a new friend from hong kong...his name is michael...he very cute and he always no confident toward himself de... MICHAEL TSE... be confident la k? don worry, outside beauty cant last long de... the hong kong fren is my best friend phooi yeng de housemate lai de...they all now studying in melbourne..just that don know y yesterday suddenly get know of him..and ngam ngam...his birthday is very near my birthday..and his horoscope is leo..same as mine...eke..^^ ngam ngam hoh...

Nothing to write d lar...so see u all later..will post something new in my blog de la...see ya..^^

Fragile life and heart

One of my fren is going to change his course...for me..definately will feel sad and terrible...everything seems to be changing starting from today...u know who you are.... i am not that kind of person that like to show how i feel...sometimes i think and feel like keeping it in my heart... since you will be leaving... better keep it and forget bout it... very emo this few days..don know what to say, don know what to do, don know how can i describe my feelings... my friends called him and tell him something that i do not wish to let him know ...i really do not wish to let him know what i am thinking .... sometimes remain friends better than everything, agree rite? at least we do not have that awkward feeling...

Dont worry, i not that kind of person that will halang people for their own future..although is quite hurting while send the fren that i very appreciate and care off..i will still wish him all the best in the future...everything need time and now i am learning to stand strong and independent... do not think that i am that cheerful and strong... actually, i need people to take care me also ... suddenly miss my parents...at least in home, i am my parents princess and they will protect me and sayang me... too tired by living alone here... everything have to settle on my own and many things have to be done... too tired...wish me luck also ya...

Do You Know?

Its been a long time i do not update my blog...i always ask people : "y don't you update your blog?" and you guess what? i also do not update my blog... things happened and really tired bout my life.... everyday..college...7 am..."is time to wake up and go for college..haiz..what a miserable day"...this is what goes in my mind every morning.... funny rite? my parents say i should enjoy my college life and not complaining about it..actually i do not complaining about it..just that i need to find someone to manja abit..and of course i like people to pujuk me... my parents do not even know what i feel and they do not know that their daughter need them to pujuk... i just do my best not to let them worry about me... and i do not tell much of my feelings....

last month, i met someone...you know who you are....i like... hanging there for three months and cant do anything...cant let go of you... really tired... i do not dare to accept people cause i scared i do not treat them sincerely.... i scared i see your shadow in them... so i rejected...sorry ya friends..i do not mean to hurt you all...just that i am protecting myself..i am trying to sayang myself a bit more and acting selfish...i talked to him and i cried infront of him... sorry for acting childish infront of you..when i facing you, automatically, i will behave like a child and manja you...you know rite? so, forgive me...forgive my childishness.... i really feel much more better after talking to you... at least i know what you feel....know what you think and heard what you told me.... i see you enjoyed your studies.... and i reall feel happy about it... and you grown fatter and of course you become more eng tau....don be too proud ya..you still as cute as last time... so eat more k? take very good care of yourself...

really sorry for acting childish... i know i should let go earlier.... but i cant unless i really talk to you face by face..and guess what? i did it..i really did it... somemore get drunk that day..talk nonsense... and acted stupid...sorry ya.... luckily i have a bunch of frens here... when i sad, i just hug them and cry, tell them what was happening... they see me like that, they will console me and cry together.... thanks again...really appreciate what you all have done for me... you all make me know that friendship will never fade...^^

Things happened in college.... em...how to describe what i feel? just that i cant control my heart,my thinking and my actions.... will get angry easily, emo easily, jealous easily and alot alot more...same thing is going to happen and onli i will know what is that "thing".... tired rite? ya..really tired...."do not look somewhere else, i will feel uneasy, get it?"... do not try to ignore me cause i will emo easily....LAUGHTER.. is one of the thing that i nearly forget.... EMO-ING... is what i always do....earphones just stuck in my ears and i start to emo....this is what i can describe.... i can feel that i am growing up.... not like last time..always hehehaha d....what makes me and shape me like that? answer is: DonKnow....!!! izit the environment? izit the people surrounding me? or izit the particular person that standing right middle of my heart now? i realy do not know...may be all the circumstances lerr...see.... start emo d....eke..^^

Don worry, i know how to control myself and of course i will enjoy my life here...just that i need you all de support...@.@

Daddy, get well soon...

I am very worry....my daddy is undergoing a small operation... i cant do anything..just can stay in kuala lumpur and worry bout him.. i really really scared and worry.... actually.. i don know my daddy is going for an operation.... is my mummy tell me when i call her because of the maxis broadband.... i want to apply for the thing because it is quite convenient for me... but i get a bad news from her... and u know what....when my mummy told me.... i felt shock.... and without any hesitation..i call my daddy and scolded him... i feel very very sad and nervous and i cried on the street.... i told him i am your daughther and you do not plan to tell me... i very angry and i cant stop crying on the street.... haiz..this is how i feel now... DADDY... HOPE YOU WILL GET WELL SOON..really miss my daddy and mummy.....

New Life, New Start

Its been a long time i din update my blog, and now..i quite free so i decided to update it....u all know what? i met a lot of frens here and honestly...i feel very very happy.... julie and han yen...two of them very close because they were classmates from sabah since last year...two of them have the same hairstyle and they like to use same things including bags, shoes, pencil cases, shirts.... funny rite? Beside that i met timothy, wei min in my class...he brought me to his church and now... every sunday i am going to world harvest church which is located in wangsa maju...actually is quite far from my place as i need to sit bus and lrt to reach there...

i told alan that i really tired...i don like living here....my BODY is tired, my HEART is tired and my MIND is tired also...i do not know why..i just feel tired..... and yesterday we went to one u....we went to neway and sing k....crystal got her scholarship and she decided to go bac to taylors to do twinning programme...she is one of my best fren that i get know here... alan. crsystal and me...three of us can talk and share our feelings.... we like get know to each other for a long time..but the fact is..I just know crystal in this two weeks onli...alan..i know him since last year...

Yesterday, i felt the same thing again...TIREDNESS.....CONFUSSION...SADNESS came across me... alan and crystal told me something and i feel like crying...crystal was holding my hands and i know two of them very worried bout me and they do not want to see i get hurt anymore... and of course i do not cry in front of them.... every nite..my mummy and daddy wil call me for sure... when i heard their voices...tears rolled down from my cheeks.... my mummy asked why am i crying.. i told them i want to go home..i miss home....they very worried and ask whether is anything happen there...i told them i am fine, i just missed home... you all sure say i am daddy and mummy's girl rite? actually...things happened in this two weeks... i feel tired...and my heart... i don know what to say and what i feel...i just feel tired and confused.... i really need people to guide me....alan and crystal are the ones who guide me in my life... so...yesterday when we were singing... few of us cried... i don know what was in their mind.... and i know what i am thinking..and tears dropped.... sometimes when things happened...means it was happened...they are no other ways to solve and forget about... and of course i will force myself to do so...if not...i will feel the same feelings again... SADNESS, CONFUSSION AND TIREDNESS....

Today, I do not need to wake up early in the morning to attend classes....i have three days of holidays.Past two days i attended three classes and i started to worry because i need TEN reference books for law... those books are very thick and i really scared because i do not know whether i can cope v that.... those books are full of bombastic words and i really need two dictionary in my life now... i need one law dictionary and one english dictionary to help and guide me in my studies....

In my new class, i meet a lot of people... some of them are from taylors college last time and some of them are new faces to me....my new class rep named wilson and he look like my E5 class rep, gerard...they have the blur look...eke...^.^ Yesterday nite, i stayed in yuwen's room and five gals just sit on the bed and chat... we chat a lot of things, everyone have their own problem when come to relationship thingy.. we all feel the same way...i told them about ken..untill now i will still miss him and i cant really treat him as friend...so i think i need time to do so..

Besides that, i found out that crystal have her own style and i like her style..i think I cant be like her because she really have her own attitude and i really admire the attitude that she have... she will just do what she think is right and will give her own opinion...despite in front of her parents or grandparents... cool rite? i think i cant be like her because i really do not dare to do so.... I meet EM LOYD also, a guy who act like phillip( my ex college classmate)....the way he talk, the way he walk, the way he laugh....really look like phillip....not onli i said that.. all my E5 classmates that studying with me now said that also...funny rite?

From today onwards i have to work harder because LAW is not that easy.... so let us work together ya..AJA AJA !!!!!!

Today, I do not need to wake up early in the morning to attend classes....i have three days of holidays.Past two days i attended three classes and i started to worry because i need TEN reference books for law... those books are very thick and i really scared because i do not know whether i can cope v that.... those books are full of bombastic words and i really need two dictionary in my life now... i need one law dictionary and one english dictionary to help and guide me in my studies....

In my new class, i meet a lot of people... some of them are from taylors college last time and some of them are new faces to me....my new class rep named wilson and he look like my E5 class rep, gerard...they have the blur look...eke...^.^ Yesterday nite, i stayed in yuwen's room and five gals just sit on the bed and chat... we chat a lot of things, everyone have their own problem when come to relationship thingy.. we all feel the same way...i told them about ken..untill now i will still miss him and i cant really treat him as friend...so i think i need time to do so..

Besides that, i found out that crystal have her own style and i like her style..i think I cant be like her because she really have her own attitude and i really admire the attitude that she have... she will just do what she think is right and will give her own opinion...despite in front of her parents or grandparents... cool rite? i think i cant be like her because i really do not dare to do so.... I meet EM LOYD also, a guy who act like phillip( my ex college classmate)....the way he talk, the way he walk, the way he laugh....really look like phillip....not onli i said that.. all my E5 classmates that studying with me now said that also...funny rite?

From today onwards i have to work harder because LAW is not that easy.... so let us work together ya..AJA AJA !!!!!!

This is my third day in HELP residence… this is the first time that I was staying with an outsider… my roommate is a Chinese and her name is WEI LYN. She is from Penang and she is studying psychology in HELP too… but she is studying in the different building with me… I am going to start my lesson on Monday, the 7th of January… I am eager to meet my new classmates and make more new friends… I have five ex classmates (Kenny, Alan, Zhi Yan, Yu Wen and Carmen) that are studying with me in HELP… so I guess... I can get use to my new university very soon…. But there are things that I can’t get use to it … my new roommate and the new mattress that I am using now…. She is a nice person but I still feel scared to talk to her… cause we still new to each other… so I think I need some time….last time I was staying in one room with my cousin, NICOLE when we were studying in Taylor’s college.. I do not have any problems when I was staying with her because since young we are very close to each other… but now she is studying pharmacy in IMU near Bukit Jalil...NIC,I MISS U LA.. The mattress is very hard and I cant sleep well… when I turn around, I will get awake because it is really hard and uncomfortable for me… so I think I am going to tell my parents and see what can I do to solve this problem lorr… ha-ha… and the room that I am staying now is damn small if compared to my subang room… the rental in HELP residence is RM 470 but it do not include the electricity bill. So me and my roommate have to divide among ourselves… the subang rental was RM 480 but it included the electricity bill... so it is cheaper… now.. I can’t on my air con whenever I like because I have to pay on my own… (Sweat!!) . The conclusion is… I still need time to get use to my new life in HELP…. Please pray for me ya…!!! ^.^

This morning I woke up at 8 am because I had to attend the orientation…. I can see part of my new classmates… they are the ones who will study with me for the next two years in HELP…. last time, the place that I stayed was very near to my college and I just need to walk about three minutes, then I can reach the college... besides that, the place is very convenient to me because there are a lot of restaurants and ASIA CAFÉ. There are just around the place… but now… the place where i am staying now is quite inconvenient for me… I have to walk quite far to have my dinner… here.. got a lot of mamak stalls and I cant even find a Chinese restaurant… if u want other food besides mamak food… u have to walk a bit further to eat fast food... KFC, PIZZA, MCD… and honestly I do not like these kind of food… GOD, don’t tell me that I am going to eat this every day for lunch and dinner!!!