What is in my mind now?

I feel confused these few days... i have many things that need my decision and i have to settle on my own... i feel scared and worried... i do not know why i feel so and i really do not know what is in my mind... is very hard to write it down..and i not sure whether i can describe it here in my blog..but i will try my best to structure it and post it out...

I feel something in my life... new life of me..i don know how should i describe... i went to church since i am five years old... i joined children church, joined the teenage group, joined the praise and worship team in methodist church.... and u know what... i found out that i am a christian that do not know anything about god... i started to worry... am i a christian? i always ask myself this question... am i too late to realise that i am a christian that just by the name of "christian"? Will God angry about me and do not recognise me as her daughter? i always wonder and i will ask myself this question... Now, i am attending the world harvest church in wangsa maju...it takes me nearly an hour to reach there... i know is very boring when i take bus and lrt to go there alone...but u know what... i do not have this kind of feelings d...i wish sunday come faster and i can attend church...last time in ipoh, i lazy to praise and worship in the church, i will give myself alot of reasons to escape from church... but now, i do not have this kind of feelings d.. in ipoh last time, i attended methodist church and now i am attending a church that differerent from what i attended for last few years.. i sense something special and different in that church... izit the holy spirit? Sometimes i wonder, is god really present? i do not even believe god is around me...i do not even experience him until now...how can i believe him ?now i get an answer... ya, he is present all the time, he love us more than everyone.... he let grace flow on us and take away sins from us... He reform us and he will always welcome us with his open heart.... he will come into our heart without us inviting him... amazing rite?

i facing some problems... church camp, moving house, and alot of things....my parents is not a christian and they start worrying why i insists of going to the church camp and moving house to wangsa maju.. u know what they told me when they called me through the fon? they ask: " why u sink deep inside to this religion? Sunday you go to church and worship still not enough and now u told me that u want to move there? What makes u become so stubborn? Now, for u is, u have to study hard and please don let other things to distract you... why u make us to worry you..since when u become like that?" i tried to explain and tell them what i think, they do not understand and start mumbling...i very scared and do not know what should i do..tears start rolling down when i hear them say like that..this make me feel very bad because i feel that i am a bad gal and very rebellious ... actually i am not... i really hope that they will understand and support me...In wangsa maju, i can live in a disciple house and i am sure that they will be alot of people that will take care of me... they will go to hospital and visit those children, pray and fast for them.

There is a case...a little gal went into the ICU and one of the cell leader told the litte gal's mother that her daughter will be discharge in one week time... Do you know when they tell this, he have to carry the burden...let say, if.... the little gal cant get well in one week time...how the mother will feel...they are giving hope but in the end the daughter is still lying in the ICU? Do you know the feeling, the feeling of dissapointment? But God heal the little gal and discharge her in one week time...amazing rite? I read this in wei min's blog and i feel touched.... i cried when i read his post... He is such an amazing GOD.... I feel like joining them everytime wei min tell me those stories that they went through....you can feel the happiness when you really help people through God's power...Don't you feel happy and satisfied? This kind of life, wangsa maju life.... i am longing for so long...but when i have the courage to tell my parents, they asked why i want to move there? i cant explain and tell them in one shot...and i feel terrible cause i really don know how to tell them what God has done... One more thing, church camp...i feel like joining because i am sure that i can learn something new from it... i want to experience God through this camp...now i registered without their consent...by faith, pls pray for me and i really hope that i can join the camp...

i feel very tired and want to escape from here... i know this is not the right way... no matter how hard i tell God what i feel...i still doesn't feel anything... God, i really need your guidance... let me experience you...I not that tough as what u all have been seeing all this while...i know i 38 sometimes but i will still feel down and moody in my life ... i do not know how long can i stand still?... I felt that i make a wrong choice when i start studying in HELP university... i should have register and study at KDU college... at least, at there, i still have chris that will guide me... still have james to take care me...in HELP , i do not live a happy life...alot of my frens were having conflicts and sometimes i do not wish to involve in it...i want to stay out of the scenario and keep quite... i know i do not like to express myself often..not that i don wish to share, is i do not know what to share and how to start my sharing...and i know i will collapse when i share my things to other people... i do not trust people easily and because of this i hardly find someone that i trust and express myself... i have a fragile heart and i do not know how to face reality... i know i should not act childish, run away from reality... i have to settle all those problems on my own... and of course i will not using my way to settle my things d...as what wei min and jia rong said...pray and seek to GOD when u facing problems...now i am learning to find and share v him ...i want to share everything with him...

Yeng call me just now and i cried...cause i miss her.. i can tel her anything without any hesitation....among my frens, i still cant find anyone like her...sometimes things have to be share face to face... i need someone to hold me and prevent me falling...i really do not know when i will collapse...Now i know what i am thinking..is just that alot of circumstances and situations that make me feel confused...i feel very confused...extremly confused....What should i do? i will seek to my God and let him guide me....

I hope that you all will understand what is in my mind now....this is what i can express in here...

What is my feeling?

Suddenly feel like blogging...now already 3 am in the morning, but don feel like sleeping yet because tomorrow no class.... i feel down and moody for this moment.... actually i feel like sleeping dy de..but suddenlly down...so..now sitting down and blogging.... i do not not what i want to write, do not have anything to share, just feel like updating my blog onli....

In HELP, i have been here for four months d....but i still cant really get used to it, just feel that i need someone to tum me and i want to lau gai onli...but i cant find a person that can let me doing this.... sometimes, i feel the loneliness, feel like talking to someone, feel like sharing something...but.... i do not find a fren like this in here... i have a lot of frens here but sometimes... i prefer keep inside my heart more than sharing it out cause i cant find anyone that i feel like sharing my things to..... i like to day dreaming and imagine things that will not really come true... but i still enjoy by doing so.... do u know exactly how i feel? i think u all cant rite? cause u are not me....

Loking outside the window, hearing some sentimental songs, my room is fill v those candle aroma and my yellow light is on.. can u imagine and feel what i feel? my roomate do not stay in the room often...so i can really lie on my bed quietly and think... whenever i do so, a lot of things come into my mind, and i cant even sort them out and cant organize them properly... what am i thinking? what am i hoping for? what am i looking at?what am i searching for? where is my heart going? i really don know.... i cant even find my heart....sad rite? i don know where it goes.... izit there? a place that i really hope to stay there...not because of anyone...is just because of u...pls hah..don think that u is u hah....don too syiok sediri ler...if u want to know... pls come and ask me privately and i will tell u who is that "u"de.... too complicated... is hard to make a decision...alot of things have to take into account... when i see how u all live, i really feel happy for u all, and guess what? i hope that i can join u all....i am writing this v a super, extremely sincere heart.... but.... too many things to be consider before i making this decision....haiz....don know what should i do and say... sometimes really feel like escaping from here..PUSAT BANDAR DAMANSARA....a busy place and i don really like it....

anyway, just emo la...will be ok soon...^^ good nite, tired d....

A new FREN of mine

hey...everybody...what is your feeling today? moody?high? extremly high? extremely moody? no feeling? sleepy? haha..guess mine? i extremely high.... u all sure ask "why"? these few days u not very moody de meh? why suddenly so high....u all wanna know why? because today is sunday... i really learn something new and special today..pastor sharon..haha..i will remember what u said this morning...i am a blessing...am i really a blessing to you all? hope so...haha..what is the difference between sheep and goat? wanna know? ask me ler..tell you privately k?haha

This morning, i feel scared and nervous when i go to church...but what make me feel surprise is i can get through everything which is happening on me in this few days..god bless me k? haha...u see i extremely high now..haha...don know how to describe my feelings la....

i met a new friend from hong kong...his name is michael...he very cute and he always no confident toward himself de... MICHAEL TSE... be confident la k? don worry, outside beauty cant last long de... the hong kong fren is my best friend phooi yeng de housemate lai de...they all now studying in melbourne..just that don know y yesterday suddenly get know of him..and ngam ngam...his birthday is very near my birthday..and his horoscope is leo..same as mine...eke..^^ ngam ngam hoh...

Nothing to write d lar...so see u all later..will post something new in my blog de la...see ya..^^

Fragile life and heart

One of my fren is going to change his course...for me..definately will feel sad and terrible...everything seems to be changing starting from today...u know who you are.... i am not that kind of person that like to show how i feel...sometimes i think and feel like keeping it in my heart... since you will be leaving... better keep it and forget bout it... very emo this few days..don know what to say, don know what to do, don know how can i describe my feelings... my friends called him and tell him something that i do not wish to let him know ...i really do not wish to let him know what i am thinking .... sometimes remain friends better than everything, agree rite? at least we do not have that awkward feeling...

Dont worry, i not that kind of person that will halang people for their own future..although is quite hurting while send the fren that i very appreciate and care off..i will still wish him all the best in the future...everything need time and now i am learning to stand strong and independent... do not think that i am that cheerful and strong... actually, i need people to take care me also ... suddenly miss my parents...at least in home, i am my parents princess and they will protect me and sayang me... too tired by living alone here... everything have to settle on my own and many things have to be done... too tired...wish me luck also ya...

Do You Know?

Its been a long time i do not update my blog...i always ask people : "y don't you update your blog?" and you guess what? i also do not update my blog... things happened and really tired bout my life.... everyday..college...7 am..."is time to wake up and go for college..haiz..what a miserable day"...this is what goes in my mind every morning.... funny rite? my parents say i should enjoy my college life and not complaining about it..actually i do not complaining about it..just that i need to find someone to manja abit..and of course i like people to pujuk me... my parents do not even know what i feel and they do not know that their daughter need them to pujuk... i just do my best not to let them worry about me... and i do not tell much of my feelings....

last month, i met someone...you know who you are....i like... hanging there for three months and cant do anything...cant let go of you... really tired... i do not dare to accept people cause i scared i do not treat them sincerely.... i scared i see your shadow in them... so i rejected...sorry ya friends..i do not mean to hurt you all...just that i am protecting myself..i am trying to sayang myself a bit more and acting selfish...i talked to him and i cried infront of him... sorry for acting childish infront of you..when i facing you, automatically, i will behave like a child and manja you...you know rite? so, forgive me...forgive my childishness.... i really feel much more better after talking to you... at least i know what you feel....know what you think and heard what you told me.... i see you enjoyed your studies.... and i reall feel happy about it... and you grown fatter and of course you become more eng tau....don be too proud ya..you still as cute as last time... so eat more k? take very good care of yourself...

really sorry for acting childish... i know i should let go earlier.... but i cant unless i really talk to you face by face..and guess what? i did it..i really did it... somemore get drunk that day..talk nonsense... and acted stupid...sorry ya.... luckily i have a bunch of frens here... when i sad, i just hug them and cry, tell them what was happening... they see me like that, they will console me and cry together.... thanks again...really appreciate what you all have done for me... you all make me know that friendship will never fade...^^

Things happened in college.... em...how to describe what i feel? just that i cant control my heart,my thinking and my actions.... will get angry easily, emo easily, jealous easily and alot alot more...same thing is going to happen and onli i will know what is that "thing".... tired rite? ya..really tired...."do not look somewhere else, i will feel uneasy, get it?"... do not try to ignore me cause i will emo easily....LAUGHTER.. is one of the thing that i nearly forget.... EMO-ING... is what i always do....earphones just stuck in my ears and i start to emo....this is what i can describe.... i can feel that i am growing up.... not like last time..always hehehaha d....what makes me and shape me like that? answer is: DonKnow....!!! izit the environment? izit the people surrounding me? or izit the particular person that standing right middle of my heart now? i realy do not know...may be all the circumstances lerr...see.... start emo d....eke..^^

Don worry, i know how to control myself and of course i will enjoy my life here...just that i need you all de support...@.@