What is in my mind now?

I feel confused these few days... i have many things that need my decision and i have to settle on my own... i feel scared and worried... i do not know why i feel so and i really do not know what is in my mind... is very hard to write it down..and i not sure whether i can describe it here in my blog..but i will try my best to structure it and post it out...

I feel something in my life... new life of me..i don know how should i describe... i went to church since i am five years old... i joined children church, joined the teenage group, joined the praise and worship team in methodist church.... and u know what... i found out that i am a christian that do not know anything about god... i started to worry... am i a christian? i always ask myself this question... am i too late to realise that i am a christian that just by the name of "christian"? Will God angry about me and do not recognise me as her daughter? i always wonder and i will ask myself this question... Now, i am attending the world harvest church in wangsa maju...it takes me nearly an hour to reach there... i know is very boring when i take bus and lrt to go there alone...but u know what... i do not have this kind of feelings d...i wish sunday come faster and i can attend church...last time in ipoh, i lazy to praise and worship in the church, i will give myself alot of reasons to escape from church... but now, i do not have this kind of feelings d.. in ipoh last time, i attended methodist church and now i am attending a church that differerent from what i attended for last few years.. i sense something special and different in that church... izit the holy spirit? Sometimes i wonder, is god really present? i do not even believe god is around me...i do not even experience him until now...how can i believe him ?now i get an answer... ya, he is present all the time, he love us more than everyone.... he let grace flow on us and take away sins from us... He reform us and he will always welcome us with his open heart.... he will come into our heart without us inviting him... amazing rite?

i facing some problems... church camp, moving house, and alot of things....my parents is not a christian and they start worrying why i insists of going to the church camp and moving house to wangsa maju.. u know what they told me when they called me through the fon? they ask: " why u sink deep inside to this religion? Sunday you go to church and worship still not enough and now u told me that u want to move there? What makes u become so stubborn? Now, for u is, u have to study hard and please don let other things to distract you... why u make us to worry you..since when u become like that?" i tried to explain and tell them what i think, they do not understand and start mumbling...i very scared and do not know what should i do..tears start rolling down when i hear them say like that..this make me feel very bad because i feel that i am a bad gal and very rebellious ... actually i am not... i really hope that they will understand and support me...In wangsa maju, i can live in a disciple house and i am sure that they will be alot of people that will take care of me... they will go to hospital and visit those children, pray and fast for them.

There is a case...a little gal went into the ICU and one of the cell leader told the litte gal's mother that her daughter will be discharge in one week time... Do you know when they tell this, he have to carry the burden...let say, if.... the little gal cant get well in one week time...how the mother will feel...they are giving hope but in the end the daughter is still lying in the ICU? Do you know the feeling, the feeling of dissapointment? But God heal the little gal and discharge her in one week time...amazing rite? I read this in wei min's blog and i feel touched.... i cried when i read his post... He is such an amazing GOD.... I feel like joining them everytime wei min tell me those stories that they went through....you can feel the happiness when you really help people through God's power...Don't you feel happy and satisfied? This kind of life, wangsa maju life.... i am longing for so long...but when i have the courage to tell my parents, they asked why i want to move there? i cant explain and tell them in one shot...and i feel terrible cause i really don know how to tell them what God has done... One more thing, church camp...i feel like joining because i am sure that i can learn something new from it... i want to experience God through this camp...now i registered without their consent...by faith, pls pray for me and i really hope that i can join the camp...

i feel very tired and want to escape from here... i know this is not the right way... no matter how hard i tell God what i feel...i still doesn't feel anything... God, i really need your guidance... let me experience you...I not that tough as what u all have been seeing all this while...i know i 38 sometimes but i will still feel down and moody in my life ... i do not know how long can i stand still?... I felt that i make a wrong choice when i start studying in HELP university... i should have register and study at KDU college... at least, at there, i still have chris that will guide me... still have james to take care me...in HELP , i do not live a happy life...alot of my frens were having conflicts and sometimes i do not wish to involve in it...i want to stay out of the scenario and keep quite... i know i do not like to express myself often..not that i don wish to share, is i do not know what to share and how to start my sharing...and i know i will collapse when i share my things to other people... i do not trust people easily and because of this i hardly find someone that i trust and express myself... i have a fragile heart and i do not know how to face reality... i know i should not act childish, run away from reality... i have to settle all those problems on my own... and of course i will not using my way to settle my things d...as what wei min and jia rong said...pray and seek to GOD when u facing problems...now i am learning to find and share v him ...i want to share everything with him...

Yeng call me just now and i cried...cause i miss her.. i can tel her anything without any hesitation....among my frens, i still cant find anyone like her...sometimes things have to be share face to face... i need someone to hold me and prevent me falling...i really do not know when i will collapse...Now i know what i am thinking..is just that alot of circumstances and situations that make me feel confused...i feel very confused...extremly confused....What should i do? i will seek to my God and let him guide me....

I hope that you all will understand what is in my mind now....this is what i can express in here...