Good Bye 2008...and Good Bye- SADNESS

Today is the last day of the year of 2008...when i recalled back, there was something that really make me down and sad...if you are my close frens then u will know what i am mentioning... three more hours den we will greet the year of 2009...Now, everyone is celerating and me? give one of my close fren "fong fei gei"...

Today, two of my frens come down from Gua Musang...and i feel extremely excited for the past whole week..cause i din see this fren for 2 months...i am happy cause i really do miss my fren...Things are not what exactly i think..things are not on the right track...SO, the conclusion is I THINK TOO MUCH and I DO TOO MUCH...i not angry cause u fong fei gei...i just feel EXTREMEMLY DISSAPPOINTED... i am counting and counting and feel exicited to meet my frens...but, at the end...i realised... i am not important... Once ago, may be you are very important to your fren, but now may be your fren do not need you anymore in their life...QUite sad rite?

From this afternoon, they said they want to go and meet their friends and said will call me and confirm later where we are going...actually i agreed to go for a place with my another gang of friends...i "fong fei gei" them cause i want to acc them.U know what, i waited for the whole day...i keep on checking whether my fon rang? everytime when i checked, i feel disappointed. My fon do not even have a message...so, i told myself may be they are busy, they will called me for dinner...at the end, they do not and ask me do not wait cause they are in another place with some friends...when i heard that, i feel that i really done TOO much...i not blaming them cause i am the one who decided to acc them..

i do not have my dinner yet, but is ok ...i don think i don have any mood to have my dinner d... This fren , i really do appreciate...i know my friend do not come to Ipoh always, so i decided to give all my time to them, BUT, i am doing too much...I got alot of things to share and talk to my fren, but i do not have that chance... I told my parents that i am going back to KL cause i am going do find A house to move in...but i am not actually...But is not important anymore cause i think i should not follow my fren go back to "KL"... cause i really think that i should not think too much anymore... i gave my fren a chance but no one will really appreciate the chance, so i think i am giving up..

New year is coming, but why i do not feel that things are going to be NEW? I do not like GOOD-BYE...but now, i will say GOOD BYE to the year of 2008 and i will welcome the year of 2009....GOOD-BYE 2008 and the most important thing is..GOOD-BYE to all my SADNESS....i will welcome the new year with a NEW HEART...this is what i should do rite? i know i will think back what i did in 2008, but i will make sure i learned something in that year... I WILL BE STRONG....SOrry, cause i know i still the same...i like to CRY...very sorry fren, i cant change this...Very very sorry...

* may be i spoilt my frens mood today, they should be celebrating now, i would like to apologize..i will still wish them HAPPY NEW YEAR..very SORRY...*

我不想忘记你

我在向前走却像在退后
我在用想念狂欢寂寞
越快乐就越失落
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

一个人不懂什么是拥有
两个人不懂怎么把握
越在乎就越脆弱
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

A Song that Remind me of someone...

I heard a song today... it reminded me of someone that is special to me... When things come to certain point...it will be very tiring....u start to choose to forget...meanwhile, u are struggling cause there is a voice that asking me not to forget and give up.... i told u i will be waiting patiently, as u said, u start to ask yourself how long can u stand...When nobody is beside you when u alone... no one talk to u in the night...u start to feel that all things is going wrong...

I know i miss you but i realised may be u do not need me anymore in your life...When i think of that...i totally lost...i do not know what should i do if things really come that way...You are so important to me...and i am very sure what am i thinking for now...If things really come that way, then what am i going to do? i do not dare to think cause i know is scary and hurting....

When u din reply me, i will start to think much...and think alot of nonsense...u say u will sort out your mind when things are being settled...and i really feel unsecure and i scared when i trust u more...you will take things for granted....You are right...i am crying and i do not have any flu... U said u don like tears and how can i tell u i am crying cause i miss u?

I dont like people saying "take care"to me..because it seems like saying bye bye and really "take care" of yourself... it is like ending a relationship and we will not see each other anymore... so, i really hate this "take care".... i am trying hard to hide myself...but u seems to know everything..and this will make me miss u even more....i pray and i pray...why things do not come in the way i want? i am scared at this moment....who can i tell and who can share with me...? cause really not many friends that know what am i thinking and what situation am i in....i feel unsecure and totally lost...sobzz...T.T..

I am super TIRED...

You know what is the time now? It is 5 am in the morning...i feel tired...at this time, i should be lying in my blanket and dreaming...but i stil awake here and blogging...This become one of my habit d...Before offline and off my laptop, i wish to post somethind new in my blog...

Actually i am doing one of my assignment, so i stayed until so "early" in the morning...i really feel the tiredness...i faced the laptop for 6 hours d...is very tiring... i have the last 2 parts to finish my public law assigment...but i really do not wish to continue...cause i very lazy and dizzy...So, i will continue it tomorrow...and start another assignment tomorrow...

When i am doing the assignment...i cant concentrate actually..i do not what am i thinking...i cant control myself....if i feel tired, i will take a short rest by reading my friends blog...and u guess what? i saw a friend of mine is replying another friend of mine de question in her blog...erm..may be she is right...should i turn back? May be as what she said..let go is a better choice...do not turn back and jus walk straight...can i do this? can my friend who was asking and need an answer, can do this also? i feel scared if my friend take the advise cause i feel that... " HEARTBREAKING" is waiting me again...

What I can tell u is...i should turn back for my own ..may be for this moment or may be for a longer period...i think i wont give up so easily...maybe for my friend...she need someone to guide her..and give her opinions...no matter what is your decision...i will support u...although it will be hurting ...but i cant be so selfish... cause this is what u want..But honestly, when i read that blog...ermmm...i really do feel hurt and scared...cause may be the another friend of mine will just follow what the friend had said...i know is confusing..about who and who...but i know the one reading it..will know...rite?

*YAwn* is time to sleep.. TIRED...sleep then dont think so much...what i can do is...WAIT PATIENTLY....and i know..by one day, when my friend sort out her mind..she will tell me the answer...i believe she will make her mind clear and think of it all over again after she settled her things...

Rite? the beloved friend of mine... you know who you are... nite nite my friend..Do miss u and hope to see u soon... tata ^^

Is things going Rite soon? baby Fish Rene hope so*

I just talk to someone...i feel extremely better after finish talking....Phew...feel tired...when u want to explain about those misundestandings...it really need alot of time and patience....i do not know what should i do...but i will prefer to WAIT...while waiting...may be i will feel horrible and lonely...but i choose to WAIT..cause i wont give up so easily..may be there will be a time that u told me something unnecessary ....when that time come and i will TOTALLY quit.. But for now..i don wish to quit cause i know what am i thinking now...don feel that i am a burden to u..cause i am not!!! i am big enough to decide my things and think properly..

Today i live like a dead people..normally i talk loudly and laugh loudly...but this few days...i keep quiet and my uncle feel extremely weird...y i become so quiet? u know why..no need explain... today i went out with my fren but i can feel that my heart is not with me...terrible..tsk tsk.. i walk like a dead ppl...i eat like a dead ppl...i drive like a dead ppl..normally i drive very ganas de..cause kl-drivers ma...and u know what?!! i drive like turtle today...and i went wrong directions...i want to go to Giant and buy ESKINOL...but i tell u a secret...shhh...i do not know where i went..when i realise, it is too late..what i can do is i just turned back and i went back home....stupid rite? so, i am going there tomorrow again..!!

Is time to sleep , cause my eyes is bengkak...and tired...should rest more...haiz....nite everyone..

Breaking-Down

U said u do not want to lose me as a fren and do not want to hurt me....but...what i can tell u is...U are hurting me more by getting close to me and giving hope to me....Just go away and i will quit....i do not hate u at all....U just go away..i will be more independent from this second...i know is hard to lose someone in my life but i will try hard...do not feel guilty and don worry about me anymore...i am ok...

What u should do is go toward to your ex...and tell her what u think..just tell her u need her and i think she will be understand...good luck to you....for now....i need to heal my wound and keep myself away in a dark and lonely world...There is alot of things i should think on my own and decide on my own...One day, when i walk out from this scary and lonely world...i will be brand new again....I hope this day will come fast and i want myself to be totally brand new..I will pull myself to the right track again...and i swear..!!! i will not go into that track again....

Now, this moment...tears keep rolling down and i really cant control myself at all..but is ok...let it be...Sadness, heartbreaking .... please leave me as far as u can...do not stick on me...i do not need u though... I will get better and better...and one day may be when U pass by me... i will forget U and have my happy life again...

Although i cannot see sunshine now...but i know i will see it soon.. Rainy days will leave me and i will see a rainbow again... Now, u have your own life and i have my own life also...just face the days with a sincere heart and do not hurt anyone again...cause i know...is REALLY HURT..

I am going back to IPOH..my beloved hometown..

Now is 2.29 pm...and i am going back later in 3.45pm by taxi..you know what..i just woke up and straight away go to online already...and the first thing i see is my fren's blog...funny rite? last time, when i was connected to the line , den i will go view my frenster profile.haha..anyway is ok..i got a bunch of frens started to blog...i feel duh...har? i blog since 2 years ago and now izit you all punya new trend? such an outdated rite? DONT FEEL OFFENSIVE here..i have the right on what i say and don sue me cause i will sue you back!!!

For me blogger is a good place to communicate..what u think and when u have no courage to tell what u think, den BLOGGER is the best place to throw all your thinkings...not bad rite? so when i feel sad, i will blog...if no sad, no blog will be updated..!!!haha....

This few days i feel more...should i say it was "happier" or what...cause my heart got a lot of feelings....or may be i feel "relief"? "sad" ? Dont know la...let it be ba..cause i am going back to ipoh!!!! there, my parents will treat me the best....so what should i worry? haha...i will here again in next year january cause my house's maxis connection is extremely bad so cannot online...

Will miss you all...will miss blogger.. will miss facebook and alot...see you all soon...and u guess what..i am HUNGRY now....have to go to bath and get prepare...see ya, buddies..!!

Baby Fish Rene, You can be BETTER..

A new day for me...totally brand new....ermmm...i got a wound...deeply in my heart..just feel hurt and i know i will be better and get well soon...what i need is TIME...i know i can...
Suddenly this come into my mind....When i heard this...totally heart breaking...This song i heard from my fren i pod for the first time, that time when i hear, i feel nothing and the melody is very nice..when u go through the lyrics is really heart breaking...At first, i thought i can stand for it, but i am wrong..I CANT...i know i am giving up all the things now..but i promise i will be back myself soon...

吃不能吃 睡不能睡
没有了你 全都不对

都学不会 把爱敷衍

用笑容来把眼泪催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭

人不像人 鬼不像鬼

朋友都说这 不过失恋

但我却连呼吸都胆怯

能不能不爱了 因为爱太痛了

我痛得快死了 却无法把你忘了

能不能不爱了 爱情它太痛了

我痛得快死了 却无法把爱割舍

After this song i heard another song...and it is about....

After this song, i heard another song..and it is about...

你有权利情绪化

你不一定要坚强

但有些事情 不能伪装

别为自己设了框

我懂失去的悲伤 也懂进退的挣扎

但想起过去 都是失望

又何必要放不下

是习惯 还是爱

不放心 还是不甘心

只有你自己知道解答

其实你没有那么爱他

真的不需要那么想他

编织过的梦想 自己也可以抵达

谁说一定要有他

其实你没有那么爱他

没有深陷到不可自拔

认清了真心话你就放得下

我懂失去的悲伤 也懂进退的挣扎

但想起过去 都是失望

又何必要放不下

是习惯 还是爱

不放心 还是不甘心

只有你自己知道解答

其实你没有那么爱他

真的不需要那么想他

编织过的梦想 自己也可以抵达

谁说一定要有他

其实你没有那么爱他

没有深陷到不可自拔

认清了真心话你就放得下

深呼吸 抬头望

发现天空很宽广

这世界那麽大

幸福总会在某个地方

其实你没有那么爱他

真的不需要那么想他

拥有过的计划留给值得的对象

你知道不会是他

其实你没有那么爱他

没有深陷到不可自拔

认清了真心话你就放得下

But at the end...i think the first song suit me more... everytime when i hear this two songs...i'm like forcing myselfy to choose between this two songs..i will still go for the first song..for this moment i do not want to forget those memories..although is hurting...if i force myself to forget it means that i will remember them more..just let the TIME bring all my sadness away...i know i will get well soon...and i know i MUST not I WILL...

P.S- Do not ask me why, friends... i do not wish to answer those questions....after read my blog...just keep it in heart and support me silently...

Stop saying SORRY..

Stop saying sorry to me....because it is really not important anymore...i just finished my exam to day..so i should be happy rite? But something came in suddenly and i do not know what should i do...i still have three more assignments to go but i think i cant do it well now...

SORRY is only a word to me..and it doesn't bring any meaning to me...since you want things go this way...then i will respect you...stop saying those words to hurt me cause i cant stand it...i beg you...just go away..now i am the one who need to be alone..Do not blame yourself and i really cant forgive u now...and i think i am the one who should say SORRY....

Who is in Your HEART?

Just wondering...who is actually in your heart...today i accidentally saw a blog in my fren's frenster...i read two blog...i feel that i am bad...may be worse...i just want to ask what is the meaning in the two blog...my heart was trembling...questions keep on bursting out in my mind... and i come to an conclusion...RS...is not me~...when i type until here, i just stared at the laptop... the song that i am hearing is too loud but i do not even feel that cause my mind is full of unnecessary questions...i saw the shoutout in your frenster..and now... i even wondering, who you mentioning...i know i should not suspect you...but i just...asking myself...and try to find an answer to those questions...

I felt "heart pain"..... the song keep repeating and i feel like crying...i control myself... is not time to cry but should sort things out...and my tears do not dare to flow out without my order...if your heart still have another person, and u cant even put down her...why now u will come to me...i just wondering and do not know y...isn't it hard when your heart still have the person shadow? meanwhile u are coming to me? i hope what i read is not true so i decided go to read my fren's blog for the second time...and ..what i read is true...i see it with my own eyes...

-HONESTY- and baby fish rene is getting TOUGHER..*this is what she thinks*

I am not that honest that u might think.... T.T I am extremely down.....cause i knew i done something very very very bad...EXTREMELY BAD...Lord i asked for your forgiveness..cause i am sin-ing....In our life, there are things that can make u extremely down, but i do not wish to tell you what is that.... What i feel is.... this few months, i am trying to live for a better life...but...i try to change myself to a tougher person and i promise i wont rely on anybody again.. *this is what she thinks again without doing it*..SOBZZZZ....

Yesterday, 5th of December, i will remember this day....cause i done something very very bad until i nearly do not wish to forgive myself.. I know what is it....and i do not wish to tell anyone...A person came to me and she told me that i should not do that...and i know i should not have did it, BUT i still did it...i am struggling and i feel extremely bad...Lord, u know what is that, i hope i will get your forgiveness....I need someone to support but i don think i have the right to get anyone punya support....cause i am bad...!!! SO, the feeling of struggling came to me again...SORRY, i not that useful and honest as you think..what can i say is, SORRY !!!!Sorry DADDY, MUMMY.....I not that innocent girl as you all think, i am very bad...extremely bad....BABY FISH RENE should change her name to EVIL RENE....i do not deserve the "BABY FISH "...i am "EVIL"...i am "DEVIL"...please don tell me what should i do...cause i know i am wrong...very wrong...

As u Said... You DON Like Tears..

What u means by "cry"? Sad and "sum tong" only will cry ma...if not? why will cry without reason... I don like tears also...Everyone that know me know i am a "happy go lucky" de people. So i wont drop my tears if i not sad untill that standards.. but don know why hoh... this few months , i cant control my tears de..little bit little bit then i cry..Sometimes, even i angry myself i will cry also.. i do not know y..when i angry..just don talk to me or ignore me when i am crying..cause i not angry anyone...i just angry myself... BUT P.S.. after a while u must talk to me and don ignore me...the best is TUM back me..HAHA...

This few months, i realised that i do not feel "safe" all the time..as what chinese educated people said "an quan gan"..and i like to rely on someone that can give the feel of "safe" to me... so when the person ignore me, i will angry myself because i think that i do not worth until that stage u will pedulikan saya...so i angry myself...until my tears drop.. Then i will start thinking nonsense, is that i not good enough? i tried my best to control myself but i cant...tears still will roll down...so now, although small matters, i will cry also...so please for give me k? i really do not wish to cry infront of anyone...

Last time, although i am facing difficulties, i still will face it cheerfully and think positively... but now, i always think negatively...and feel that i am alone in this world... but i forgot that when i am lonely, GOD is still with me...so Praise the Lord.. i am not alone..!!! i will seek him more and ask him take all my sadness away and fill me with joy..^^

So, if i cry in front of u all...please ignore me a while....den u know what should u do next... if u can make me cry infront of you, means u are important for me and i will really apreciate you....


SO,I DO NOT LIKE TEARS!!!!!