Who is in Your HEART?

Just wondering...who is actually in your heart...today i accidentally saw a blog in my fren's frenster...i read two blog...i feel that i am bad...may be worse...i just want to ask what is the meaning in the two blog...my heart was trembling...questions keep on bursting out in my mind... and i come to an conclusion...RS...is not me~...when i type until here, i just stared at the laptop... the song that i am hearing is too loud but i do not even feel that cause my mind is full of unnecessary questions...i saw the shoutout in your frenster..and now... i even wondering, who you mentioning...i know i should not suspect you...but i just...asking myself...and try to find an answer to those questions...

I felt "heart pain"..... the song keep repeating and i feel like crying...i control myself... is not time to cry but should sort things out...and my tears do not dare to flow out without my order...if your heart still have another person, and u cant even put down her...why now u will come to me...i just wondering and do not know y...isn't it hard when your heart still have the person shadow? meanwhile u are coming to me? i hope what i read is not true so i decided go to read my fren's blog for the second time...and ..what i read is true...i see it with my own eyes...

-HONESTY- and baby fish rene is getting TOUGHER..*this is what she thinks*

I am not that honest that u might think.... T.T I am extremely down.....cause i knew i done something very very very bad...EXTREMELY BAD...Lord i asked for your forgiveness..cause i am sin-ing....In our life, there are things that can make u extremely down, but i do not wish to tell you what is that.... What i feel is.... this few months, i am trying to live for a better life...but...i try to change myself to a tougher person and i promise i wont rely on anybody again.. *this is what she thinks again without doing it*..SOBZZZZ....

Yesterday, 5th of December, i will remember this day....cause i done something very very bad until i nearly do not wish to forgive myself.. I know what is it....and i do not wish to tell anyone...A person came to me and she told me that i should not do that...and i know i should not have did it, BUT i still did it...i am struggling and i feel extremely bad...Lord, u know what is that, i hope i will get your forgiveness....I need someone to support but i don think i have the right to get anyone punya support....cause i am bad...!!! SO, the feeling of struggling came to me again...SORRY, i not that useful and honest as you think..what can i say is, SORRY !!!!Sorry DADDY, MUMMY.....I not that innocent girl as you all think, i am very bad...extremely bad....BABY FISH RENE should change her name to EVIL RENE....i do not deserve the "BABY FISH "...i am "EVIL"...i am "DEVIL"...please don tell me what should i do...cause i know i am wrong...very wrong...

As u Said... You DON Like Tears..

What u means by "cry"? Sad and "sum tong" only will cry ma...if not? why will cry without reason... I don like tears also...Everyone that know me know i am a "happy go lucky" de people. So i wont drop my tears if i not sad untill that standards.. but don know why hoh... this few months , i cant control my tears de..little bit little bit then i cry..Sometimes, even i angry myself i will cry also.. i do not know y..when i angry..just don talk to me or ignore me when i am crying..cause i not angry anyone...i just angry myself... BUT P.S.. after a while u must talk to me and don ignore me...the best is TUM back me..HAHA...

This few months, i realised that i do not feel "safe" all the time..as what chinese educated people said "an quan gan"..and i like to rely on someone that can give the feel of "safe" to me... so when the person ignore me, i will angry myself because i think that i do not worth until that stage u will pedulikan saya...so i angry myself...until my tears drop.. Then i will start thinking nonsense, is that i not good enough? i tried my best to control myself but i cant...tears still will roll down...so now, although small matters, i will cry also...so please for give me k? i really do not wish to cry infront of anyone...

Last time, although i am facing difficulties, i still will face it cheerfully and think positively... but now, i always think negatively...and feel that i am alone in this world... but i forgot that when i am lonely, GOD is still with me...so Praise the Lord.. i am not alone..!!! i will seek him more and ask him take all my sadness away and fill me with joy..^^

So, if i cry in front of u all...please ignore me a while....den u know what should u do next... if u can make me cry infront of you, means u are important for me and i will really apreciate you....


SO,I DO NOT LIKE TEARS!!!!!

Restless Nite...

I feel restless tonight...i do not know why..i felt this suddenly, i just feel restless...not only restless, my heart is pain...i felt this kind of pain again...erm...what i am doing now? sometimes human will think all the negative ways and forget that there are still other choices out there..why must i think negatively? i should think positively so that i will feel better....

Actually i admit that i very "small gas" ..u know what i mean...i do not like ppl talk loudly and shout at me...when you shout at me, i will get a shock first and i wont feel want to talk to that person in the next few hours...i really really do not like ppl TALK loudly to me..in the eyes of them, actually they are talking to me...but i will feel that they are shouting at me...you know who you are...i really do not like this....as what u say, u do not like i raise my voice, so do i?

" When i turned back, you are not the same anymore". This phrase suddenly came in my mind..so i posted it on my msn....i really do hope this will not happen again..cause i really do not like ppl raise their voice to me, i cared my frens, and i cared You also..so try to think back how i treat you, and then only u decide am i wrong or right..Everyone have their own likes and dislikes...i know yours..so please, you have to know mine too...i respect u and u should do that to me too...when u raise your voice to me, actually i am crying and struggling in the same time...just that u do not know..cause i promised, i wont cry in front of you again...this is what i feel....sorry, if this post did offend you...

E5 ...Where are you?

i just read kenny punya blog..i feel lonely again...i don know why...i am going out later with kok wei later because we want to celebrate alan and veenee birthday...kenwei, phillip, vincent, alan, gui yang ,vee nee and liching is going as well...actually, i am going back to ipoh tonite de...but i really hope to meet my old frens...so i decided to ask daniel to pick me up at the place we are celebrating ppl birthday...

Erm...i do not know why i feel down suddenlly, may be is kenwei ba..he is bringing his gf out later.. actually i am ok with it, is just that no one even tell me he is going until just now i heard alan mentioned it...i really thought i can cope and handle with my own feeling de..but when i heard what alan said, i feel down down down.... i already told myself to move foward, but sometimes, i will think back...think for a moment... now i also don know what is in my mind...i just feel ...i also don know what i feel.. yeah, i should go for the reunion..for what i scared and worry..cause we are still frens...hoho..^^

What is in my mind actually?

Sometimes is just very hard to get all the things out of my mind...Is not that i don want get all those things out from my mind..is just that i do not know what to do...sometimes when you get tired of something, you will try to let go and forget about what is happening at the first place...i know i am at the wrong track and i am trying to pull myself back to the right track...but the problem is, i cant even control myself and i lost my mind....what should i do now? I feel like i don have a right person to talk what am i thinking...is very hard when nobody at your side when you is suffering, when you need advice, when you need a hug or even when u need a person to wipe away your tears...

New sem is starting, and i don know what to do again, i have no goal in my life, i don know what to achieve also...So, i am having a boring life and what should i do to get this feeling off my heart?i do not have the passion to study anymore.. what should i do then? I am having a tough period now...Haiz...i think i need to think about this again...really hope to get all the things on the right track again...

A new Start

The contract law - Mistake is driving me crazy ler..really feel sien er..tomorrow our teacher, mr Adnan, is giving us a test on MIstake... i feel scared cause tomorrow it is a close book test...i started to worry.. but now i feel sien d cause really ngiak bah...den suddenlly i saw my bible on the shelve...den i feel like blogging d...

u know what, last sunday pastor david prayed for me.. he said i am going to work for the nations and something like that...i cant remember d... that nite, daniel ,my ipoh fren called me and we talked for a while. Later on, his fren from US, meow, asked me what is the difference between the old testament and new testament..den of course i told him what i know... suddenlly feel like sharing a verse...and i really did that...i added daniel in the conversation and i started to share v them... at first i feel uneasy and worry because i scared i will share something wrong to them...but don know why, when i started to share, all this weird feeling gone... i just keep on telling... i felt that there is something different... at least now i dare to share v a ppl that do not know god at all... That kind of feeling...i do not know how to describe it, i just feel good,happy and satisfy with what i did...this is the first step i took and i think i on fire d...a breakthrough..i told chris...i really happy and grateful to be a christian... is a really good to have god in my life...

Meow asked me do i really believe in GOD? can i change anything...u know what i answered him? i said yes, i believed in him, i can change things but i wanted to follow him...HE will guide me and provide me everything ...so i do not plan to change anything on my own... i really hope that the fren of mine can know You more... know You more not because of anyone, is just because of you, Lord... Now, Lord pls guide me...let me on fire and keep on burning....^^